Redirecting Conflict

Understand yourself and achieve win-win interactions.

How many times have you walked away from a difficult conversation feeling frustrated, angry or hurt? Do you replay the situation and wish you had used different words or reacted differently?

This is a common response. We don’t always know how to respond when we find ourselves at odds with another person. A recent study shows working with someone with whom you are out-of-sync literally drains your psychic and physical energy.(1) Learning to express yourself effectively is absolutely essential to workplace success and personal peace.

Knowing how to redirect unproductive conversations is a skill that can be learned. The single most powerful tool we use in coaching is the behavioral model called Transactional Analysis, developed in the1950’s by psychiatrist Dr. Eric Berne. Transactional Analysis recognizes that people appeal and react to each other from three distinct parts of the personality, labeled Child, Parent and Adult. You need all three parts to live as a fully functioning person.

The Child stores emotions and early childhood experiences. For example, children who are ignored or abused are likely to grow up with low self-esteem and an inability to trust others. Even as an adult, spontaneous, rebellious, compliant and manipulative behaviors remain rooted in the Child part of the personality.

The Parent also develops in childhood, capturing judgments, values, and teachings. The nurturing part of the Parent personality is kind, warm, and affirming. However, out-of-control nurturing behavior can stifle others’ growth. An example is a manager that allows subordinates to shirk responsibility under the guise of being supportive. The other Parent personality is harsh and critical, as in “How-many-times-do-I-have-to-tell-you?” behavior and language.

The Adult reflects the rational, problem-solving part of every personality and is fully developed in a normal teenage brain. The Adult analyzes and updates data stored in the Parent and Child. If you were raised with a stereotype, such as “men are better leaders than women”, but had a positive experience working on a woman-lead team, your Adult would challenge the early teaching, reject it, and make a more informed decision.

Conflicts arise when communication evokes an unexpected response. There is a crossed connection between two parts of the personality. You know you’ve crossed signals when communication stops abruptly, or dialogue deteriorates into unproductive verbal volleys or an argument. You can unilaterally untangle crossed transactions by redirecting your appeal appropriately. In the work environment, the majority of effective interactions take place as Adult-to-Adult connections.

You can deal productively with difficult people by first understanding whether they are communicating in terms of Child, Parent or Adult and responding appropriately to achieve a win-win transaction.

(1) High-Maintenance Interaction: Inefficient Social Coordination Impairs Self-Regulation. By Eli J. Finkel, et. al, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Sept. 2006.

VJ Holcomb Associates specializes in Transactional Analysis for leadership development. Please contact us for information about our online Transactional Analysis assessment.